Minus One

John 10:10 says:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I have to remind myself constantly that the devil is a thief. He lies and steals and sneaks his way into our minds. Lately, that has come in the form of guilt. Guilt over things I cannot control. Guilt over what only God can restore. Guilt in allowing myself to enjoy my life while minus one. If you havent been through it, you would never understand the pain of losing a child. I have lost two, one physically and one, well, I just don't know. I call, I text, I make sure I am present. I am not seeing the fruit of any of these things.

But then, there are 3. The 3 who look for my guidance as their mama. Who wait on my words and patience and presence. They matter, too. So, last week, we spent our week at Disney... and while spinning tea cups and carousel rides brought joy.. they brought pain too. They brought a flood of memories of his giggles and smiles from the same place 15 years ago. While most of us were enjoying the present, I felt myself slipping into the past wishing for those sweet little curls peeking from under mouse ears and the ohhhhhs and ahhhhs of the little boy who wasn't at all afraid of fireworks. So, as they surfaced I wrapped those memories in love and tucked them back away.. making room for the new unfolding in the now. I pushed myself to live.. to have fun. To enjoy what is.

I couldn't wait on what I wish for to be happy or the make my other 3 feel loved. I couldn't take from them when I have the ability to give. But, my heart still knows the pain of being minus one.